Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
