my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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