i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Be still, my beating vagina.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
