im about as happy as oj after his trial
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
