He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
