Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
