Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
