my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
