So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
True strength comes from lack of pants
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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