Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
