The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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