I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
