PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
