I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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