I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
