I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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