I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
