I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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