how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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