nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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