Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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