My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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