The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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