you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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