I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
