I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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