I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
