Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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