I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
