Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
