we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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