I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
