she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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