I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
