Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The best revenge is premature balding
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
