Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
