you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
