no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
