Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
