im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
