She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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