I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
