that's an acceptable place to lick
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
