I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
