Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
