turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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