i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
