y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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