My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
