Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
