90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
