I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
