i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
