Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
