Pants 0. Shit 1.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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