Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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