Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am naked and annoyed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
