just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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