she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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